And
so it came to pass that Bulster finally sacked Dictator Dickie and
named a new supremo, finding the ideal replacement in a tough Scouser,
Prof Baddy Nix-off. Baddy has a proven track record of corporate
bullying “down under” having in just three years sacked a cool 15% of
his staff @ Tassie University, and earned a formidable reputation for
conducting summary dismissals. Hence staff at Tassie now collectively
refer to forced redundancy as getting the “Nix-off”. But old Baddy talks
a pretty good board-room yarn as he’s now become the highest paid
public figure in Northern Ireland, and one of the top uni “fat cats”
across the UK. At Bulster the very utterance of his name has swiftly
become the ultimate managerial expletive!
Having
quickly taken command, Baddy said “he looked forward to working with
the Northern Ireland Political Executive to ensure the higher education
sector fulfils the ambitions of young people and contributes to economic
growth”. Within a month he had announced massive course closures and a
comprehensive programme of sackings at Bulster which could only be
achieved by compulsory redundancy. "Jimmy-boy", actor
and Bulster chancellor who Dictator Dickey had affectionately dubbed
“Bilbo’s Elf”, had summarily praised Baddy’s “dynamic appointment at an
exciting time for…staff, students and partners…” but so far Bulster has
seen nothing but programme cancellations and staff dismissals. Within a
few miserable months Bluster University confirmed a series of cutbacks,
1,250 student places lost across the four university campuses and over
200 staff sackings, most of then effectively compulsory severances.
Blaming
this corporate tsunami on the NI Executive, Baddy regretted that his
necessary “budget cuts "will have far reaching consequences for our
young people and our local economy….We cannot absorb further cuts so now
more than ever, we must be decisive. We must strengthen our focus on
the sustainable delivery of high quality teaching and world-leading
research that produces graduates with industry ready, relevant skills
that benefit business and society”. All of this coming from a Uni leader
who had negotiated close to double the salary and benefits package of
his predecessor, Dictator Dicky. Oh and the existing VC Residence has
not proven good enough for Baddy- he's taken to first class digs while
the official palace is refurbished, a sad evidence that he probably
intends to stay!
Posturing
that this corporate blood on the college carpet could not be avoided,
Baddy has went on to say that “In making these decisions, a number of
factors have been taken into consideration, including student demand,
attrition rates, student satisfaction, employment statistics and
research performance” all of this coming from a uni chief whose time at
Tassie had been marked by an unprecedented problem of college retention
and disastrous staff morale. Baddy’s time at Tassie had also coincided
with a massive cheating scandal at the uni’s law faculty and a rash of
staff suicides.
Regular
readers of this blog may recall a previous submission back in October
23, 2015 on the specific problem of bullying at Australian regional
universities. The evidence from more than 22,000 university staff
suggested that academics in Ozzie regional universities were more likely
to experience bullying compared to those at other types of
universities. The survey, which looked at working life in 19 different
universities across Australia, was set up to test whether the anecdotal
complaints of colleagues were more than traditional complaints of
academics about freedom, autonomy and managerialism.
This
major report into university bullying uncovered a veritable crisis of
staff harassment in regional colleges, of which Bulster’s new man, Baddy
featured all too prominently. A distinguished Arts Professor at Tassie
noted that “Baddy had taken a purely monetary view of research”. Staff
who could not bring in enough money quickly got the “Nix-off”. Even some
of the most highly regarded staff got their marching orders because
their continued presence at Tassie was regarded as “economically
unviable”.
A
suicide note from a long-time staffer at Tassie recorded that “my life
has become unbearable…this is no longer a university.. Whatever one’s
publication record one no longer has a place in college unless one could
get sufficient financial dosh…idiots who managed to bribe their way
unto public grants now run the show ….” Several press investigations by
Hobart journalists were threatened by Tassie university lawyers, and
Tassie staff who got a pay-off were made a sign “gagging orders” that
excluded any further public comment on university affairs.
There
is a rumour that as soon as Baddy arrived at Bulster he ordered a
U-Turn on Bulster’s intended sacking of HR director “Mad Bonnie” Magoo.
“Bonnie” had got himself into a bit of trouble with the police over
corporate threats and perversion of justice. Baddy seems to have assured
“Bonnie” that all could be forgiven as long as his “black arts” could
be more corporately focused. Immediately Bonnie’s disciplinary
suspension was lifted…..There is gossip too that old “Bonnie” actually
managed to get a pay rise. Fresh from the police cells and a long spell
of college “gardening leave” “Bonnie” now finds himself reinstated as
the Hitlerian Hermann Goebels of Baddy’s corporate bullying operation at
Bulster.
Recently,
at Australia’s Newcastle Uni a senior professor said in confidence that
the only college in the country which was worse for governance failings
and staff bullying was Tassie. And of all the places in all the world
the boffins at Bulster could look for Dictator Dicky’s replacement, they
found Baddy Nix-off in the very Van Diemen’s land of Oz. And so it has
come to pass that Bulster has found precisely the right man to replace
Dictator Dicky, a man whose corporate shirt-sleeves are suitably
blood-stained and who knows the price of everything and the value of
nothing.
Stay
tuned for the next instalment as Baddy consolidates his power, more
staff get fired, and a new regime of bullying establishes itself.
Meanwhile we hear that forcible retirement has been difficult for Tricky
Dicky. Having blackmailed the Higher Education Minister to get a
parting honour (yes the very Minister caught in an embarrassing late
night mélange les trois with Dictator
Dicky) retirement has been tough! He failed even to get shortlisted as
chief-executive of a lowly regional technical college and the invites
unto trusteeships have been sparse! And his dream of remaining as
“president mentor” to his successor was quickly scotched as Baddy
Nix-off brings in his own “dream team” of scavengers and mercenaries
from his black academic past!
ADVISORY… This
is a work of humorous parody and any similarities with persons or
places real or imagined is purely a matter of coincidence.
If
you’ve been bullied at your F/HE institution don’t hesitate to
confidentially contact the Bullied Academics forum. Victims may complain
without penalty under their college procedures or consider making a
complaint to their local police. Where the police are contacted bullying
usually ceases immediately. The e-mail address is bullied.academics@yahoo.co.uk