March 15, 2007

The Betrayal of the Bystanders

Why do we feel so wronged by the people who believe a narcissist's lies about us? There are a number of reasons, but here is one of the biggest. It's because their credulity isn't innocent. If a stranger believes some outrageous lie about us, we aren't surprised, and we don't feel wronged by them. But if someone who knows us believes that same lie, we feel betrayed. Guess why? It's because they have betrayed us by believing that lie about us.

For example, if someone has known you for ten years, they see your track record of conduct for the last ten years. In other words, they have seen how you conduct yourself along this way of life we're bound upon.
No, they don't see everything you've said and done. But they have seen a lot. They have seen you react to many various stimuli.

That track record of yours sketches your character in their eyes. This representation of what kind of person you are is based on your CONDUCT (your words and deeds), not on mere hearsay about you.
So no one should be able to come along and tell them JUST ANYTHING about you.

For example, if you are a gentle person, in ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting gently to things that most others would react more harshly to.
So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are violent. Likewise if you are honest. In ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting honestly to things that most others would hedge the truth about. So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are a liar.

Likewise if you are sensible. In ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting sensibly to things that most others would show poor judgment about.
So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are crazy and imagining things.

To believe these things about you they have to unknow everything they know about you. That is, they have to unknow you. They have to revise history. They have to erase that track record of yours.
And that track record is your life. They have to wipe it out. That takes your life. Which is why they call it "character assassination." Your whole life goes up in smoke. And a figment of the imagination is substituted for it...

The narcissit's lie is always ironic. For the narcissist is out to smear one of your outstanding GOOD QUALITIES with the semblance of one of his own VICES. So, the allegation is always preposterous. No one who knows you should be fooled by it. Because it isn't believable. They should know better. But they willfully don't. Because the lie is juicy.

And so, there's nothing like a narc attack to show you who your real friends are
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By Kathy Krajco from What Makes Narcissists Tick

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have just recently heard that my grievance is going to the committee stage...they have been unable to deny the grievance or push it aside...to dismiss it...

...the silence around my faculty is deafening... those with power avoid me... like I might contaminate them..

...someone today - let's call him - Andrew - we studied together for out MA - we struggled - but Andrew has been very successful in the university - I have hinted to him about the issues within the university... he is a radical... a critical thinker... passionate about education and learning... but today he couldn't look me in the eye... he has betrayed me... he has betrayed himself...

...as a while middleclass woman I am learning through this experience what it is to be powerless at the bottom of the pile...

...I am learning that you have to keep picking yourself up... to have faith in what you believe in...

...because the lies about you are so juicy...

...the role of academics is to raise questions...to take risks... to argue...

...just as long as they don't do it about the academy...

Aphra Behn

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