After completing my
undergraduate degree, I received a PhD scholarship at the same university in
exchange for 15-hours/week research assistance. My undergraduate dissertation
was related to the project topic and I had a lived experience of being a member
of the social group under investigation. I thought my dreams had all come true;
I was to work on a project closely linked to my own research topic and would
receive a substantial bursary. That was until the nightmare of working in the
most dysfunctional 'team' of people I have ever worked with began.
I remember the day it began.
I was early for a meeting. Two members of the 'team' soon arrived and I made
polite small talk with them. My mistake seemed to seal my fate for the next
three years, particularly with these two people. I casually asked if the two
experienced Research Assistants were "just" Research Assistants, or
whether they were doing PhD's/research themselves. One wrong word. My innocent
question (no malice intended in any way - I have problems with anxiety and
sometimes my nerves get the better of me) was met with a very angry response
that they were not "just anything!” I was shocked at the aggressive
response, so much so that I meekly said that I did not mean to have offended
them. I now realise that I would set a benchmark as to how I would accept being
spoken to from then on.
Next, the Project Leader (a
Social Work Professor) had possibly thought that I was a Social Work graduate,
not, in actuality, a Sociology graduate. When I explained this during a
one-to-one meeting I was met with silence. I believe that a conflict of ideas
and perspectives was potentially key as to why I was bullied, and it came from
the top of the project hierarchy. Indeed, it was a gendered hierarchy to say
the least, with female members of the 'team' having more secretarial roles than
anything else was.
Then, my undergraduate
dissertation supervisor (who stayed on as my PhD supervisor) created a scandal
at the university. It came to light that he was living a double life and had
fabricated a certain amount of malicious gossip about a Professor at the
university to deflect from his own highly deceitful behaviour (a close
colleague of the Project Leader). I always respected my supervisor and would
speak highly of him. I believe that, potentially due in part to my (unwitting)
respect for my supervisor, that I was judged guilty by association through
gossip and hearsay. I was eventually asked outright if he had ever approached
me for an inappropriate relationship, as this was apparently his MO. I
absolutely had not, and respected student/lecturer boundaries - plus I was not
in slightest bit attracted to him and knew and liked (one of) his partner who
was also a PhD student.
In all honesty, I can only
speculate as to why I was targeted, after wracking my brains for almost 3
years, these examples merely serve as potential explanations and potential
reasons as to why what happened, happened at all.
The bullying began in earnest;
here are some examples (some specific, some general):
1. One of the 'team' was
allocated as my supervisor (wholly under-qualified with an MA in Social Work
and an insatiable desire to become an academic) - who stole ideas from my
research and used it for the project without my knowledge, or permission.
2. The same supervisor would
regularly pass off my ideas and contributions as their own.
3. During meetings the two
Research Assistants would purposely avoid ANY eye contact with me. Alternatively,
they would glare at me, to the point that I became so uncomfortable that I
simply had to look away.
4. My contributions in
meetings were minuted as 'someone' said/suggested.
5. Whilst sat next to a
Psychology lecturer, another member of the 'team', I was repeatedly flicked at
below the table (I know this one may sound a tad strange!).
6. Most of my contributions
to the project were ignored and/or credit given elsewhere.
7. A child who had been part
of the research was asked to attend the university and the Project Leader had
bought her some gifts, including a t-shirt. She, the Project Leader,
asked me if I knew whether she had bought the right size for the child. I
said that the child was probably around my size. She exclaimed that she was
glad she bought "extra large"...this was in front of two other
colleagues who simply sniggered.
8. I was constantly
overloaded with work/emails/phone calls (some late at night). Travelled
hundreds of miles on weekends, to prisons, alone.
9. I was 'set up to fail' on
one occasion - where the data collection and data input (my responsibility)
deadline was set on the same day.
10. I was regularly shouted
down in meetings, to the point that I stopped contributing.
11. I was excluded
from all publications resulting from the project, even though I was initially
promised at least one publication.
12. The project did not
receive certain permissions from the relevant authorities. I was asked to work
off campus at the Head Office of a NGO that was working with the project to
complete certain tasks relating to those denied permission. I refused.
13. I requested that the
supervisor who was stealing my work and/or ideas be removed from my supervision
team. Moreover, he did not understand my research. I was threatened with my
bursary being removed, as there would be nobody from the applicable School
remaining as a supervisor. Thankfully, another of my supervisors, not connected
to the project, was.
14. I was regularly ignored
and/or isolated during coffee breaks/external meetings/project conferences.
15. Whilst travelling
to undertake fieldwork I was asked if I was "one of those scary feminist
types" by a male member of the 'team'.
16. Regularly worked well
over the 15 hours/week, causing my own work to suffer. Either that, or be
chastised for not appearing to 'pull my weight'.
17. The Project Leader,
toward the end of the project, placed one of the Research Assistants 'in
charge' of me, and to 'monitor' certain tasks I was given.
18. I was belittled and
undermined in front of individuals from external organisations. To the
point that they eventually ignored me too.
19. At the beginning of a
conference (around 200 students in attendance), there were three people who
were presenting, myself included. A close friend and colleague of the
supervisor I had had problems with introduced the other two speakers, and
completely ignored me. I introduced myself when it came time to present
(embarrassing, confusing and devastating all in one go).
20. Made out to be
incompetent/a burden/troublemaker to other departments/lecturers/fellow PhD
students.
The list goes on, and on,
and on and, in all honesty, it is becoming painful reliving it all (death by
paper cuts methinks!). Eventually, my partner, friends, and family began to
notice that my mental health was deteriorating rapidly toward the end of the
project. I didn't go out any more, was constantly lethargic, couldn't
concentrate, became weepy, became distant, isolated myself, gained weight, was
prescribed anti-depressants and sleeping tablets by my GP, and so on. I also
suspended my studies after my second Viva as I had lost all motivation and my
work was suffering. Two months before the three-year project was due to end, I
attempted suicide. Thankfully, my mother found me in time. I was released
from hospital after spending just over a week under observation on a
psychiatric ward. I am sincerely sorry to have put my partner, friends, and
family through that.
It has been 8 months since
my spell in hospital, 6 months since the end of the project, and my suspension
is coming to an end. I still receive emails relating to the project, which does
cause me some anxiety and stress, but at least I can ignore them now I am not
contracted to reply to them any more. I do feel slightly stronger, thanks to a
wonderfully supportive partner, friends, and family. I am due back in a month
or so to complete my PhD. I am apprehensive to say the least and truly believe
that if I complain about all that has happened, I will not be afforded the
opportunity to finish my research. I believe the university would rather me go,
than potentially damage their reputation. I simply do not know who to trust, or
if anyone is even trustworthy at this university. I just want to finish my research,
leave this university, and get on with my life.
Wish me luck!